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Week One

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Feb 1 Today really encapsulated the quote  “recovery is a full-time job.”  I had multiple urges to binge, and I’ve noticed that those urges do eventually go away  either by pushing through the discomfort or by giving in to it. My therapist explained that eating disorders often develop because of anxiety. People create coping strategies, whether that’s making strict food rules or binge eating to fill the void of discomfort when it feels too overwhelming to bear. That really made sense to me. Out of the millions of girls who struggle with eating disorders, not all of them had overbearing mothers or were fat-shamed in ballet school but most likely, all of them experienced anxiety. That uncomfortable feeling can be so overwhelming that, of course, as humans we go into survival mode and fall back on what feels familiar. For you, that might be starving yourself or making sure your carrots don’t touch your potatoes. For someone else, it might be eating 10,000 calories in one sit...
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Game Plan

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To reiterate, I will hide nothing from these diaries. I will record exactly how I am feeling and what i am doing even if I feel irreparable shame or guilt about it. You, yes you, reading this are either here because you too are completely and utterly exhausted with feeling emotionally and physically held captive to your eating disorder and anxiety. Or you are here because your are inherently curious if one of the many habits I will impanelment will help me more up the scale. Welcome to week one!  Before starting week one lets do an update on how i'm feeling. I feel absolutely disgusted in my body. Out of my whole wardrobe only two pairs of pants and two hoodies fit me. I haven't left the house except to go to the grocery store at night and haven't seen one of my friends since October.  The new habits were introducing is  1. exercise for 30 min 2. scheduled meals In addition to this, I will be documenting everything I eat through videoboth the good days and the hard ones I...
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In the negatives

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     Food for some is a source of energy that is intuitively consumed when hungry. This is not the case for me and if your reading this i'm guessing not the case for you. Numbers consume my mind and i'm not referring to math. Calories, step counts, the number on the scale overcome my mind, in prisoning me by taking away any happiness i could experience . Even if this looks like blog about a 21 year old girl complaining about her eating disorder its not. This blog is going to take you through my journey of what works and doesn't work to love yourself again.      For context, from grade 6 I have struggled with episodes of binge eating disorder and anorexia. I'm not going to discuss all the details that may or may not have lead to my eating disorder at least not now. But i will say that a year ago I reached my goal weight of 120 pounds. I had victoria secret model measurements 35-24-35, wore a size 24 jean and should have been happy right? WRONG. Which still d...
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