Week One

Feb 1

Today really encapsulated the quote “recovery is a full-time job.” I had multiple urges to binge, and I’ve noticed that those urges do eventually go away  either by pushing through the discomfort or by giving in to it.

My therapist explained that eating disorders often develop because of anxiety. People create coping strategies, whether that’s making strict food rules or binge eating to fill the void of discomfort when it feels too overwhelming to bear. That really made sense to me. Out of the millions of girls who struggle with eating disorders, not all of them had overbearing mothers or were fat-shamed in ballet school but most likely, all of them experienced anxiety.

That uncomfortable feeling can be so overwhelming that, of course, as humans we go into survival mode and fall back on what feels familiar. For you, that might be starving yourself or making sure your carrots don’t touch your potatoes. For someone else, it might be eating 10,000 calories in one sitting.

I did it, though. I didn’t binge today.

I’m also trying to follow the MIND diet. Okay hear me out. Before you start thinking this girl is relapsing, let me explain. The MIND diet is about adding foods to support brain health, not taking foods away. I’m not sure if there are any other students reading this, but bingeing on large amounts of sugar has left me with intense brain fog. My attention span and memory feel shot. This diet is supposed to help with information retention and focus, and right now, that actually matters to me.

	MIND DIET CHECKLIST 🧠🥗   ✅ Eat MORE of These Leafy Green Vegetables Eat at least 1 serving per day Other Vegetables Eat at least 1 serving per day Berries Eat berries at least 2 times per week Whole Grains Eat 3 servings per day Beans / Legumes Eat beans at least 4 times per week Fish Eat fish at least 1 time per week Poultry Eat poultry at least 2 times per week Olive Oil Use olive oil as your main cooking oil
			🚫 Limit These Red Meat Limit to less than 4 servings per week Butter & Margarine Limit to less than 1 tablespoon per day Cheese  Limit to less than 1 serving per week Pastries & Sweet  Limit to less than 4 servings per week   Fried Food / Fast Food  Limit to less than 1 serving per week

Side note: I do wonder if I’m falling back into a cycle I’ve already gone through twice before restrict until I reach the “perfect” measurements, then binge, which “ruins” my body and causes me to isolate. When I look back to when I fit the beauty standard, I realize I didn’t actually accomplish everything I thought I would just because I was skinny. I maintained that image for a year, and I didn’t magically get a boyfriend or suddenly make deep friendships. Yes, people were nicer to me on a surface level, and the compliments boosted my ego  but was it perfect? Clearly not. If it was, how did I end up back at square one?

I’ve come to the conclusion that in life, you can’t put all your eggs in one basket. I was so hyper-fixated on my appearance that I was terrified of it not meeting the standard I set for myself. If I binged for a week, I felt like I had to isolate until I starved myself back into the “image” I had before. I couldn’t go out drinking with my girlfriends because I couldn’t risk the one thing I was obsessed with.

This pattern existed in ballet school too. My entire identity was built around becoming a dancer at the
National Ballet of Canada. When I was removed from the pre-professional program, I was completely lost.

Anyway, today I didn’t binge, but I am still tracking calories. My therapist really hit the nail on the head when she pointed out that counting and restricting helps numb that uncomfortable feeling for me. It gives me something to control.

I don’t know if anyone is reading this, but if you relate to any of it, let me know.

Till tomorrow.
Goodnight.