In the negatives

    Food for some is a source of energy that is intuitively consumed when hungry. This is not the case for me and if your reading this i'm guessing not the case for you. Numbers consume my mind and i'm not referring to math. Calories, step counts, the number on the scale overcome my mind, in prisoning me by taking away any happiness i could experience . Even if this looks like blog about a 21 year old girl complaining about her eating disorder its not. This blog is going to take you through my journey of what works and doesn't work to love yourself again.

    For context, from grade 6 I have struggled with episodes of binge eating disorder and anorexia. I'm not going to discuss all the details that may or may not have lead to my eating disorder at least not now. But i will say that a year ago I reached my goal weight of 120 pounds. I had victoria secret model measurements 35-24-35, wore a size 24 jean and should have been happy right? WRONG. Which still does not make sense to me. I had it all, the perfect body and not to sound conceded but people commented a lot on how beautiful i was. Im not saying this to boost my ego, I'm simply stating a fact that actually makes my situation even worse. Being that beautiful or that size didn't solve all my problems, cure my anxiety, build me strong friendships or get me a boyfriend. All i've ever wanted is not for every thought to be fixated on food and to fell healthy comfortable in my own skin

    Fast forward to October where I was having uncontrolled binge episodes due to my low caloric intake, that were drifting me further away from maintaining my 'perfect' measurements. As a result I decided to go on prozac. Mainly because I read it could decrease food noise and suppress my appetite, although I should note that I was also diagnosed with serve anxiety and depression too. This medication did not help my binge eating and if i'm being honest, I used this medication as an excuse. An excuse to stop over exercising, and excuse to say "fuck it," to any food rules I meticulously carried out through the past years. 

    Its been three months and i'm still binging. I've gained 50 pounds weighing in around 170 pounds and i'm the most depressed i've ever been in my life. Im scared to go outside because of the past image people know me of. Ive cut off all my friends and even went as far as switching all my university courses to be online so my friends don't have to see what i've become. The anxiety is crippling, and even after trying three anxiety/depression medications I'm still numb. Im guessing since our still here your struggling with something similar and relatable to me and i just want to say, I'm so sorry. 

    This blog exists because I refuse to believe that this is where my story ends. I am not writing this for pity, attention, or to romanticize illness. I am writing because I am choosing recovery, even when it terrifies me. I am currently working with one of the best eating-disorder therapists in my city, and for the first time, I am being honest. This space will document the truth: what helps, what doesn’t, the days I show up, and the days I struggle. There will be no perfection here only consistency, accountability, and a commitment to healing. If you’re reading this and seeing yourself in my words, please know you are not broken, weak, or beyond help. You are human, and you deserve a life where food is fuel, not fear.

    I don’t know exactly what recovery will look like yet, but I do know this: I don’t want my future defined by numbers, rules, or shame. I want peace. I want freedom. And I want a life that feels bigger than my body.

Thank you for being here at the very beginning of this journey.